Sunday, April 13, 2014

Toddler chronicles March 2014: 18 months old

Wow!! Braxton is busy, busy, busy! He keeps us on our toes, always moving, always exploring. I love watching his mind work and problem solve. His typical everyday behaviors can entertain Luke and I for hours or he can dissolve our patience in a matter of minutes. My mom says "he's testing you, pressing the limits." I say he is being B-A-D. Ha. Either way, I wouldn't trade a single day with Braxton Cole for anything in the world!!
 
Horsie...Neigh
Saint Patrick's Day

New things happening in the Hill household this month:
*Braxton took his 1st and 2nd trip to chuck e cheese. He loved it
*This kid loves trains....like a lot
*Braxton is transitioning to toddler room at school which means he is sleeping on a cot now and he is doing diaper changes standing up. 
*He calls himself "big" "axton co"
*Practicing sitting on his potty alot
*His teacher has labeled him the class clown. He loves to have his teacher Ms. Deana turn on the music so he and his friends can have a dance party!
* Yearly Oaklawn trip: Loved cheering for the horses on Daddy's shoulders
*Favorite person: "gager" and "DD"
*Learned to say Mickey
*Says Muke for milk, bopi for paci
*"Goo goo" for trains
*Braxton is starting to like dogs: He liked playing with Howie in Kansas City
*April 1- jumped both feet
*April 4: rode a pony
*Full exaggerated nods for yes
* We are trying to cue for yes instead of yea and we are adding ma'am and sir with no success
*Braxton always says thank you when you hand him something...thank you daycare:)
*We are working on please
* Braxton knows tons of animal sounds: dog, cow, duck, cat, horse, lion, tiger, bear, monkey, elephant
*Says "Ah-meh" for amen after his night night prayers
*He is walking his strider balance bike with good success





Toddler Chronicles January & February: 16-17 months

Boy is this blog hard to keep updated!! Luckily I keep a running list of new things Braxton is doing on my phone. This boy is FULL of fun and personality! I wish I could video him everyday because babies don't keep!!
*Saying "Chee" (cheese) for pictures
*Starting to like his strider bike
*Daredevil: loves running on the couch which is not allowed
*Jumping with one foot leading
*Tells daddy to "roll, roll" when he wants to wrestle
*Favorite phrases are "It brokin"(It's broken) and "I di it" (I did it)
*Says "tane you"(Thank you) when you hand him something or when he hands you something
*Carries blankie around the house
*Runs to chair for night night
*Likes to sit on his potty fully clothed
*Favorite toys are his choo choo train and fireman hat
*Trying to escape crib
*Loves reading books at night! 
*Favorite books with mommy are "Night Night prayer" and "I love u through and through"
*Favorite book with daddy is "Wherever you are, my love will find you" 
*Makes a fish face when kissing
*Started pushing kids at school
*Loves watching big trucks on road from daddy truck: "car, car"
*Loves for jack-in-box to surprise him
*"Winking" or exaggerated blinking at this point
*Identifies eye, nose, mouth, ear, hair, finger, toes, button (belly button)
Doctor appointment for strep throat



Happy birthday Jagger!!



Monday, April 7, 2014

Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you.

BEFORE I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you. The keyword "before" in this verse gives me such comfort. Before Luke and I even knew our angel in my belly, God knew them and loved them. He already knew the plan and although it would certainly not be our plan, we must trust in Him.
A close friend sent me and Luke this message about trust in December after Luke's dad Carl passed away unexpectantly...."understanding will never bring you peace. That is why I instructed you to trust in me and not your understanding." I would pray nightly to please trust in the Lord plan. To trust wholeheartedly like a child. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." We all want so badly to understand why bad things happen to good people but this is impossible and just leaves me angry and confused. I find that if I turn it over to God and remind myself over and over and over and over to trust Him then I find some relief from the "whys" and find a little peace even if it's short lived. 

January 2, 2013: I took a pregnancy test at work and announced the good news to Luke right when he got home from work.  We were both so excited.



Of course the first trimester was hard just as I expected it to be. I was nauseated, food was terrible, smells were terrible, and I was tired. (Man what I would give to be hanging over a toilet again.)
February 7: We had our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. Heart rate 167. Measuring perfectly at 8 weeks. Here is our first and only picture of our lil one.

February 16: We announced the great news to all of our family, friends, and barely acquaintances via social media. I loved reading all the congrats and well wishes.
March 5th was an ordinary day. I kissed Braxton and Luke goodbye.  I went to work. I ate lunch. I had a prenatal appointment. That normalcy quickly became abnormal when my doctor could not find a heartbeat using the Doppler. As she searched my belly for that precious noise I commented that she was making me nervous. She shrugged it off stating I was still so small and we just needed an ultrasound. We joked about me getting to see the baby without Luke and made small talk about daycares and all the snow days as we walked to the ultrasound room. I was still blissfully oblivious at this point but looking back I think my doctor already knew. We tried an abdominal ultrasound with no luck because the baby was so "low", tucked behind my pelvic bone. We then transitioned to the vaginal ultrasound. This is when my world shattered. My doctor said "Im not finding a heartbeat. I'm so sorry." She continued talking as she tried to comfort me. I remember some words about the baby measuring 10 weeks (I was 12 1/2 at this point), some more words about the baby being very swollen, and a few more words about fluid around the chest and head. Another doctor came in at this point to confirm the terrible news. I sobbed. 
My doctor is amazing and sat with me for a long while. We talked about me feeling the baby kicking at 9 weeks and then stopping at 10 weeks. I explained that I just thought my uterus had grown. Then we talked about options and decided that since I was so far along that a D&C would be the best option. We scheduled for March 7. 
I sat in that room on the table staring at the ultrasound machine for what feels like an hour building up my courage to call Luke, although it was 5 minutes in reality. I made the worst phone call of my life and we cried and decided to stay at work. No bad idea, let's go home. 

Waiting was the absolute worst part....sitting at home knowing we had lost our baby....waiting to end my pregnancy....,waiting for some sort of symptom. Spotting, cramping, bleeding. No symptoms came but Friday March 7th came. 
We had to be at the hospital at 5AM. Surgery was 7:30AM. Luke and I woke up at 4AM. We moved around silently, getting ready; neither of us knew what to say. I cried as I sat on the couch waiting to go the hospital and as we loaded the car and as we drove to the hospital. It wasn't fair.....driving to the hospital at the end of a pregnancy is suppose to be joyous and exciting, and 28 weeks from now. 
Every staff member that we encountered at the hospital was kind and sympathetic, many sharing personal stories to ensure us we were not alone. The most horrific part of the experience other than the obvious was confirming my procedure over and over and over. From admissions to preop, from nurses to CRNAs, everyone who entered our room started with the same 3 questions: 
What is your name?
What is your birthdate?
What procedure are we doing today?
How horribly excruciating to state the terrible words aloud over and over again. Each time I said the awful words a new wave of emotions washed over me and I cried and cried no matter how hard I tried to hold back. Obviously this is not the hospitals fault as they must ensure they don't complete total knee replacements on people who need D&Cs. It was just an unaviodable, bitter reminder. 
Did I mention how amazing my doctor is? She came in prior to surgery, sincerely concerned. She reassured us again that there is no reason this should happen again in the future. She assured us that we would be nervous wrecks during our next pregnancy and that is okay. She promised that she would do everything she could to put our minds at ease and if that meant. 1-2 ultrasounds per week then that would be our plan. Her words and kind actions truly brought me comfort on a terrible day. 

Surgery went as expected with no complications. I woke in recovery very, very emotional but I don't remember this at all (my doctor reported to Luke and once the medications wore off I could feel dried teers on my cheeks. 
We were leaving the hospital by 10:30. When we got home I hugged and snuggled Braxton tightly and then crawled into my bed to try and sleep away the memories of the day. 

Physically recovery has been smooth. No pain or cramping. I have been reminded of how badly junior high sucked...pads are a terrible, uncomfortable nuisance. Emotional recovery is another story. My hormones are crazy. I can go from happy to sobbing in a matter of minutes. I feel robbed and of course I feel like I should still be pregnant, entering my 2nd trimester instead of starting over. I find myself feeling jealous of other pregnant women and then I feel terrible for having those feelings also. At night, I lay in bed and wonder, was my sweet angel a lil girl or another sweet boy? Would they have looked like Braxton and me or would they have taken after their daddy? And thousands of other questions.  

Overall this experience can be best described as a sucker punch. The horrible news came out of left field, completely blind sided us, and knocked us to our knees. We are no strangers to loss and we know the path far too well. We know that we will come out from the darkness on the other side and that we will be just a little different after living it. We will adjust to our new normal. And most importantly, we will be happy again and hopefully we will be pregnant again (although no one will know until I can rest a plate on my tummy). We pray nightly that it is in God's plan for our family to grow with a new precious baby and I have faith that our God will provide. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Santa Clause is coming to town!

Santa is such a great guy and so smart! He knew Braxton would not be home for Christmas this year so he made a special trip on New Year's Eve just for our sweet boy!!! 
Seeing his excitement as he ran into the living room and explored all his new toys was priceless! I'm so glad that DD and uncle Nick were here to share in the fun. 
After Braxton had tested out all of his new things, it was time for the adults to open gifts. Braxton is easy to please and had equally as much fun playing in the wrapping paper and boxes. 
Our NYD Christmas was an overall success spent in the company of great family relaxing in pajamas and eating everyone's favorite appetizers!! Until next year Christmas!! Here's hoping 2014 is better than 2013. 
Santa may have accidentally overdone it

Straight to the basketball: Daddy was proud

Had to try everything out!

Tent was a huge hit!

Christmas at Grandma and Pops

December 23 has always meant Christmas at the Hills but this year was different. December 23 was spent honoring and remembering Pop. 
Christmas was and will forever be different without Carl sitting in his chair counting his presents, stalling to have the last gift to open, and of course rounding everyone up when we are running late to church. 
Christmas at the Hill house was celebrated on December 24th this year not because the adults wanted to but for the grandkids. Children are so joyfilled and can somehow manage to bring a smile to your face and hope to your heart no matter the circumstances. Jagger was sooo excited to open presents....Braxton loved to play with every opened gift....and Piper loved to eat the wrapping paper that was left unattended!
Pop and grandma love love love their grandkids and always overdo it at Christmas time and this year was no exception. The boys even got their very own big kid swing set in the backyard. A gift that will grow with them through the years and hold a special place in their hearts since Pop got it for them.
After the kiddos opened their gifts and gave grandma some quick cuddles (they are toddler boys so cuddles during waking hours are short lived) we headed over to great grandma and great grandpa Kordsmeier's house. Their home is always loud, hot, and overfilled with love and laughter. Christmas Eve was no exception. The grandkids even put on a Christmas play for everyone to enjoy. This year, Braxton played the role of a cow, and I must say he nailed it!!


We opted out of midnight mass this year and instead headed back to grandmas, tucked the kids into bed, and the adults relaxed with a beverage, some Christmas music, gifts, and tears. Luke received the most special gift....Carl specially picked out a new cowboy hat for Luke because he was embarrassed by his current hat. I know that Luke will treasure this gift forever and wear it proudly (only for special occasions such as deer camp;).

Christmas morning!!


After Christmas we headed out to great grandma and great grandpa Hill for a home cooked lunch and visiting. The boys loved their Jack in the boxes or should I say George in the boxes! Braxton loves to be scared when George jumps out at him;)